when a friend and I got stuck in a tiny town, bought 70 cent beer fom the train station, and laughed as the sun set.
Or when Austin and I sat in the Berlin Hauptbahnhof until 2 in the morning, watching the partiers and drag queens and hobos and lesbians and business people travelling late, talking about life and love and home.
Or when I travelled to Munich alone, took a free city tour, went to the Dachau concentraion camp, got mediterranien food with people I had never met before, played guitar and spent two nights in a dirty student house up on a snow-covered hill.
Or simply, how many times I played Uno with the kids, washed dishes, vacuumed, went on walks with the dog (through fields in summer, fall, and winter), cooked spaghetti, and took bubble baths.
We do the best with what we have. We do the best we can in the moment. We could have done better, but really, we couldn't. Because we didn't. We are who we are and we react how we're going to react.
Sorry this is vague.
I am terrified of growth and change. As much as I need it, prophesize its necessity, supposedly revel in it...I am terrified of real change. Real growth. This requires strength of character and the ability to remove ones self from the needs of the moment. To make the conscious decision to take a step forward, to leave behind the parts of the old self that are destructive and un-helpful. But I get comfortable. I get comfortable in a broken cycle, in a self that rings untrue, but I don't have the confidence to change. I am finally taking that step. I am tired of being miserable and always looking for an escape.
This is turning more into a coming out letter than I realized. I like boys, y'all. It is such a silly thing...I know this will catch almost all of you (whoever happens to read this post) by surprise. But there's no reason to be anything other than one's self. And, I cannot be my full self without recognizing this part of myself. It feels like, after all these years, admitting this preference is a kind of character betrayal, a dirty little secret, a fact that states "I am less than".
Which is of course completely ridiculous. But we let ourselves think this way, when we hold up and image for so long.
But. Yes. It is not that I am heterosexual, I would actually identify more as pansexual - which generally boils down to being able to be attracted to any gender or non-gender. But I am not a lesbian. I'm just a human. We're all just human. We do the best we can.
Wishing you good times as a sperm connoisseur, man ;D
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