schon eine Weile her...

Sorry this blog has never been really light-hearted or full of pictures and stories of my adventures, like...
when a friend and I got stuck in a tiny town, bought 70 cent beer fom the train station, and laughed as the sun set.
Or when Austin and I sat in the Berlin Hauptbahnhof until 2 in the morning, watching the partiers and drag queens and hobos and lesbians and business people travelling late, talking about life and love and home.
Or when I travelled to Munich alone, took a free city tour, went to the Dachau concentraion camp, got mediterranien food with people I had never met before, played guitar and spent two nights in a dirty student house up on a snow-covered hill.
Or simply, how many times I played Uno with the kids, washed dishes, vacuumed, went on walks with the dog (through fields in summer, fall, and winter), cooked spaghetti, and took bubble baths.

We do the best with what we have. We do the best we can in the moment. We could have done better, but really, we couldn't. Because we didn't. We are who we are and we react how we're going to react.
Sorry this is vague.
I am terrified of growth and change. As much as I need it, prophesize its necessity, supposedly revel in it...I am terrified of real change. Real growth. This requires strength of character and the ability to remove ones self from the needs of the moment. To make the conscious decision to take a step forward, to leave behind the parts of the old self that are destructive and un-helpful. But I get comfortable. I get comfortable in a broken cycle, in a self that rings untrue, but I don't have the confidence to change. I am finally taking that step. I am tired of being miserable and always looking for an escape.

This is turning more into a coming out letter than I realized. I like boys, y'all. It is such a silly thing...I know this will catch almost all of you (whoever happens to read this post) by surprise. But there's no reason to be anything other than one's self. And, I cannot be my full self without recognizing this part of myself. It feels like, after all these years, admitting this preference is a kind of character betrayal, a dirty little secret, a fact that states "I am less than".
Which is of course completely ridiculous. But we let ourselves think this way, when we hold up and image for so long.
But. Yes. It is not that I am heterosexual, I would actually identify more as pansexual - which generally boils down to being able to be attracted to any gender or non-gender. But I am not a lesbian. I'm just a human. We're all just human. We do the best we can.

I have had fun here.
I have had life here.
How do I keep doing that?
This is difficult.

I really like being in Germany and having cross-cultural experiences and meeting new people.
It's the host family part that has always been an issue and continues to be.
I mean, they have done and do so much for me (give me a place to stay, feed me, include me in their family vacation, pay for a month-long german program, shell out 200€ spending money every month)...And what do I do? I was just going to complain about the family, but really, what do I do? I play with the kids. I cook food sometimes. I do light housework.
But we don't really click, and the language is hard, and I'm just a pretty lazy, childish person anyway...I feel really bad now. I've been so wrapped up in my own "emotional turmoil" that I haven't been able to even look at the situation clearly.

I should be happy to be here. I am so lucky to be here, and I should be so grateful. But I have just been whining to anyone who would listen, and holing up in my room with the computer.
I need to start accounting for myself and appreciating what other people are doing for me. I feel like what I do goes unnoticed, but what about everything they are doing for me that I don't take into account? I've been selfish and single-minded.

I feel like my German doesn't really get better when I talk to them, though. And that is one of the main issues in our relationships - me being able to understand them, and communicate what I am thinking/feeling to them. It's hard, because I can understand the basic gyst of what is usually being said (or at least the topic), but the specific details of what they are communicating is usually lost on me. And I don't speak enough (because they are the main people I am around lately and before that, I hung out with a bunch of foreigners who spoke better english than german), so my accent is horrible and getting sentences out right is a chore.

So, yeah. I need to keep keeping other people in mind. Oh, I don't know. You know. Whatever. Learning experiences, etc.

I miss being sure of things.
Things like reality, who I am, what is worthwhile,
The last time I was sure of things, I liked The X-Files and feminist/queer music I was too young to understand and chinese food from Safeway and reading books I was too young to understand and intense female friendships and school and black clothing and trying to understand my sister's life and the internet (which I usually had to sneak onto, as I was often grounded).

That's not actually true. That was the second to last time I was sure of things. The last time I was sure of things, I liked musical theatre and vegetarianism and Kimya Dawson and text messages and painting on my bedroom walls and intense female friendships and silly faces (and noises) and the smell of the Southridge theatre department.

Is this how we are happy? By finding things to be sure of?
I think right now I do not have things or people I am sure of, I have the idea that where I am is where I am and so I am sure of it.
But also I went to Berlin this weekend and hung out with people I like and started to feel like I could have some things to be sure of. Like having actual conversations in German and being completely open to people as who they are in the moment and going where you want to go and beer and wine and love and asian noodles and a cold Autumn breeze.

I'm not a huge fan of my host family but I feel like we've finally reached a spot where we are okay with it being what it is. I need time to be a 19 year old kid, and this experience has been totally...interesting and obviously life changing and a little odd. But it is positive. I am excited to go "home" and move out and start being (duh) independent.

I am starting on my second year out of high school. Time. Moves. So. Fast. It is kind of terrifying.
But I also cannot imagine living another 10 years and still being relatively young.
10 years ago I was 9.
How do we even know ourselves?

I'm not sure if this makes any sense to anyone (even myself) but I like writing it and I think that's what matters.



Someday I'll be able to account for all parts of myself all at once.

I like music.
Here's some stuff from my past (prone to nostalgia. This really isn't for anyone but me.)




(Gonna keep going.)

Today was a video kind of day.


The second video wasn't originally for my blog...I kind of have a habit of video taping myself playing guitar. Haha. But it turned into a sort of musical blog, so I thought it'd be fun to show rather than a written post.

Wow today.
I mean really.
Are you trying to tell me something?
I know, I get it, I need to buy a bus pass. 50€ later, I understand. Germans don't mess around.
But really? Did I really have to essentially break my host mom's car?
Was that really neccessary?

What have I done, day? What did I do that was so wholly offensive for you to thrust these two things upon me within the span of two hours?
Not cool.
Not cool at all.

In other news, if you want to know what my classmates and I do when we drink alcohol,
we sit in dorm kitchens and eat chips and get each other to say silly things in our mother-languages.
and we play this song on the guitar and I'm really really good at doing Kim's harmonizing vocals.
It's always a hit.

I really really love The Pixies.

Other reasons:




There was this post on Genderfork:
"I identify with music more than I ever did with masculinity and femininity. I wonder how many weird looks people would give me if I started telling people my gender was “punk rock.”"
I love this. This is how the pixies make me feel.
And jazz, and soft acoustic guitar, and dance music, and jam bands, and...

"Bin wieder da!"

Okay. The thing about this blog thing is that you have to decide what kind of emotion or idea you want to put across - I tend to write about what's going on in my life (not just here, but in journals etc) when I'm dissatisfied or frustrated.
So I could just write a long thing about why I'm frustrated right now and it would sound like I'm having a bad time but I'm really not.

But also, what am I doing?

Birte is visiting us for the weekend. And Hans-Peter is back from his business trip. This means I am going to get pissed off a lot. I do not really like either of these people.
But anyway.

I don't know what to do and I kind of wish I was back home because then I would be able to find a job and a place with other young folks to live - I would like to do that here, but I am an "alien" and it would be a pain in the ass to even start anything like that.
Basically I just need money. And a car.
These things should be easy to come by!
I have run out of my monthly earnings (well, I have 5 Euros left) and don't get paid again until the 21st. Which is actually pretty soon. But we're going to Hamburg tomorrow and people want to stay the night and go out and I want to too but I don't have any money to do that and when I told Anette that today she just said like "übernacht?" and went "hmmm" and then somebody said something else and the topic changed.

So. Yeah. And some folks from my class are going out in about an hour and I don't want to deal with all the transportation issues that come with going into Kiel. But I also don't want to spend the night in my room. But I also don't want to sit downstairs and listen to Birte and Hans-Peter talk.

This is totally pointless. You don't need to read this. Haha. And of course it sounds like I'm not having a good time. Which is true and not true.


Money and a car.



But the world is beautiful and that is okay. There are trees and prickly bushes and clouds and snails and hedgehogs and music like Leonard Cohen and Camera Obscura and Beirut.
And that's pretty freaking good.

There are a lot of snails out lately because it's been raining so much and they're all over the trails where people ride bikes and every few hundred yards or so there's a snail that's been popped like a tube of toothpaste by a bike wheel. It's disgusting and totally fascinating.

"Präpositionen"

Just got back from having dinner with some friends from my German course. The Italians (Pietro and Giuliana) decided to cook dinner for whoever wanted to come tonight, so we met in one of the student Wohnung kitchens and they cooked yummy pasta (actual Italian food is very similar to what we eat in America - not really Olive Garden, but the smaller, more tomato-sauce focused restaurants). Behshad, from Iran, brought his guitar along and played some sexy Spanish music, and then great Iranian guitar stuff. I love when people you don't expect have these hidden talents.
I got up the courage to play a song I wrote a while back called "Dreams About People You Didn't Think You Cared About Anymore". It was the first time I'd played something I wrote for a large group of people, and it was exhilarating. It reminded me how satisfying that song is, and how much it is good and right and what I need it to be. So often I write songs and they're okay, but they're not what I'm trying to say. This song says exactly what I'm trying to say. And I could tell they got it. I didn't look at any of them the whole time I was playing it, and when I was done, I looked up, and they were all looking at me - not expectantly, not asking anything or trying to make me laugh - they were looking at me like they got me in that moment. And that's all I needed. That's all I ever need. Is for people to get it, whatever it is.
That there's more. That there's parts of us we don't allow ourselves access to enough. That there's such a base level of beauty in all of us, that all we need to do is express to each other our own beauty.
Hahaha oh man anyway. Whatever "beauty" is. It's all relative. Just that I like to feel nice and you like to feel nice and everything is so big and everything is so small and it's okay. At the end of everything, (even though there is undoubtedly no end to anything) it's all okay. Because how can it not be?
I'm not sure if this song actually says that. But it's says something honest and that's what's important.
I think this song says what I was talking about:



When I was 15 or 16, Gloria showed her to me, and I said I didn't like her because her music was like floating through space and time. And now, after listening to her again for the first time in years, I said the exact same thing, but describing why I love her.

Should I keep writing? If you give me enough time and the feeling that my thoughts are being appreciated in any way, I'll keep writing. Forever and ever and ever.

I'm 19. I can't comprehend all the different meanings that has. So I don't think about it.
Every day I'm here, the more at home and the more distant I feel. Which each passing moment, I create memories and grow roots here. And at the same time, I learn more and more that this is not Portland. That I am not home.
But I am home too.
I love that quote, "Wherever you go, there you are."
Which can be loosely translated to: "Don't worry, be happy."

I talked to my host mom today. I was feeling stressed like I haven't been doing enough as an Aupair and I don't know exactly what they want from me and she explained everything much more clearly and now I realize that I've been doing it right the whole time, I've just been stressing because that's the only thing I know how to do.
And now I'm feeling stressed because I'm talking about stress.

ANYWAY. This is far too long. And thus I send it into the ethos for strangers and people I used to know and people I know and people I may meet in the future to read.
Good night, it is 00:08 on Dienstag, 14. September 2010.
Und jetzt muss ich schlafen.

Today I switched from third class to second class. That is not a figurative sentence or about plane tickets. When I took the prufüng (what is the word in English??) for our classes, I was placed into class 3, the highest level class. It was hard.
So today I decided to go into class 2 and it was almost too easy but its so helpful at reinforcing things I already know but easily forget. So I'll stay there.
Also I like the people in 2nd class more.

We all just kind of separate off during breaks and after class into smaller groups and do whatever - it feels like every day I get to know someone else a little bit better. Today after class (it was over at 3pm; usually its over at 12.30. Don't ask me why it was longer today. I don't know) Marie - the main group social activity instigator - said "Leute! What are we doing today?". And we decided to get together at 6pm in the zentrum of the student apartments and play drinking games and someone would bring a guitar and we could make music times.
That sounded really fun to me. But today was Leonie's birthday and I didn't know when/if they were doing anything tonight and if I should be there and blah blah blah it's frustrating having a host family.

Regardless, I knew I had some time to kill, so we separated off into random groups as usual (there's a lot of "what are you doing?" "I dunno...What are you doing?" "I dunno, I guess I was gonna go to my room, but if you wanna do something..." "Yeah...Should we do something?") and Ville, a nice but quiet guy from Norway, and I ended up walking together. We wandered over to his dorm, because I hadn't been to any of them before, and he talked to his law student German roommate awkwardly about where he could find a place that sold cheap prepaid cell phones. I stood in the kitchen, not sure of what I should do, but also okay with not doing anything.
Then we headed in the direction of the city center. The university is kind of on the edge of town - but just a few blocks away from some really nice streets. We talked awkwardly but not painfully awkwardly about why we're here and what we think we want to do later in our lives. He's a jazz musician (saxophone) and composer and is almost done with his Bachelors. I'm a wandering, slightly confused person, just picking things up as I go. I also play guitar a lot.

I thought he had a place in mind, so I asked "So, do you know where we're going?" and he said "Well...I know where we are." And I was like "Oh." We ended up passing a coffee shop that I spent an afternoon in last week or the week before and I said "Oh! I love that place. It's really nice." And he said "Yeah? Should we get coffee?" And I was like "Oh. Yeah. Sure."
And then we sat outside and got coffee and I'm not sure what the point of this story is.

But whatever I ended up not going to hang out because my life sucks and fjdksaljgf. I hate that the only place to go is Kiel (there is NOTHING but houses and farms and one grocery store in a 5 mile radius from our house), and I have to ride Anette's bike for 25 minutes to get to the train stop which takes me 15 minutes later to the big main train station in Kiel.
It's just such a pain. I feel like I'm separated between my school life and my "home" life. All the kids at school live in the same general area and are having a total immersion experience and I'm only getting half of it. And it's not even like I'm really doing anything here in Flemhude. We all wake up in the morning, I take Holly on a walk, we eat breakfast and I wait for everyone else to be ready to go because I have nothing to do to get ready. I try to talk to the kids, and they say something and I don't understand it and I feel like poopy pants because I can't really interact with them. So I just say "Guten Morgen!" und "Gibts was besonderes heute?" und "Was ist das, denn?" when they're playing with something. And I just feel totally fake.
And then Anette and I drive to the university, which takes about 15-20 minutes, and ocassionally find something to say to each other and then she drops me off and we say "Tschüs!" like we've been chatting the whole time. And then I go to class and have a good time and etc etc that's where my life feels right now, and usually do something afterwards with kids from the class, and then feel like I should call Anette and see what's up, even though she hasn't contacted me yet, and she usually don't seem to mind, whatever I want to do.

I dunno, I know they're giving me freedom or whatever, but it just feels like they don't care.
Blech. Normally I would spout all this out to my mom or Gloria but neither are available at the moment, so you, blog reader (of which there is probably only my mom and Gloria) get this jumbled mess of words and thoughts.
I'm really tired. Today was eigentlich gut.
Haha. We call this mixture of German and English that all us students speak "Denglisch" (Deutsch + Englisch).
Weißt du was, let's end this on a good note:

"Ich kann wirklich kein Deutsch sprechen."

I feel more myself now than I have since I was a wee young lad. It's refreshing but also terrifying because I have to take responsibility for myself. The decisions I make are all for myself and my life. Other people can help me out, but in the end, all responsibilty and decisions rely on me.

My German course has started and so far I'm having a good, interesting time. We are all foreigners and without friends here, so it's kind of like a summer camp in the way that everyone is getting to know each other well and yeah. Not like a regular class at a university or what, where everyone already has their own life. Haha. That doesn't sound right. But you know what I mean.
I'm in the highest level class (oohhh yeaahh), and it's actually harder than I thought it would be - I'm just now realizing how sympathetic my other german teachers were with their speaking. Not with my current teacher. He just speaks richtig Deutsch to us. At first I felt completely over my head, but then I reminded myself that this is not philosophy or politics oder was, it's not an idea I have to understand - it's just a language that I already understand quite well. It is only a language course. The overall meaning of it all is: "this is how we say these things. There are lots of different ways to say things, and you have to memorize and learn them."

So it's nice to have something that is really just like learning and instrument or riding a bike or whatever: just practice. Learn the rules in class, and then practice.

I am definitely missing. Missing people and things. I've already been here about 6 weeks. I miss, but I feel really good here. I am well on my way to conquering the German language. Haha. It's really just...Great to be in a city other than Portland. I think I got really wrapped up in the whole Portland game without even playing it - I just liked the idea of it. I needed to leave to grow and other mushy things about life and experiences. But what I mean is that I am terrified but excited about life and here and everything. I finally feel a driving force behind me - a reason (not sure what that reason is, but it's there) to get up in the morning and do things. To talk to people and make connections and learn things and go new places.

On the plane ride over here, a part of The Lord of The Rings: The Fellowship of The Ring popped into my head. When Sam and Frodo are leaving The Shire to meet up with Gandalf in...Where are they going? Anyway, when they start their journey,
Sam stops and says: "This is it."
Frodo: "What?"
Sam: "If I take one more step, this is the furthest away from home I'll have ever been."

And that's kind of how I've been going. I just keep taking steps.
The further away from home I get, the more I appreciate it for what it is.

Anyway. I am sleepy (it's almost mitternacht) and I have to get up early tomorrow because we're going on a class trip to Lübeck! Lübeck ist eine sehr alte Stadt - like there's buildings still standing from the Middle Ages. A lot of cities in Germany were mostly destroyed in WWII, so buildings that were standing for centuries have now been gone in the last 70 years or so. But in some cities, like Lübeck, they're mostly intact and everyone says it's very beautiful and "perfect for an American". Hahahaha. So I'm excited.

Anyway. guten nacht, whoever reads this.

"Ich brauche Dich...zu mir das Wasser geben"

Again, been a long time since I've written in here, sorry. It's been about a week, ne? It's life, man. Life and life only.
DEBORAAHHH.

Right now (as it, right now, downstairs underneath me) is my host mom's birthday party. I was down there for a bit, but then Hans-Peter told me to take Holly on a walk, so I did, and when I came back, they were all doing a toast in the kitchen. I have to go through the kitchen to put the leash back in the laundry room, so I stood awkwardly in the doorway while all these people I don't know (or if am lucky, have met once or twice) are raising their glasses and giving me confused sideways glances.

So that was fun.

I'm really not sure what I should do. If I join, it'll be a lot of "oooh, so you're the aupair? Where do you come from? Do you like it here?" and then they'll make some good-natured joke that I won't quite understand but will be expected to participate in so I'll laugh awkwardly and hope the conversation changes to something else.

I brought a really sexy shirt at H&M yesterday. It's button up. And sea blue. And I really want a tie or a vest to wear with it, but shit's EXPENSIVE. So I shall wait until next month, when I can continue to slowly add to my wardrobe.

Life is weird. And lame. And good.
For many reasons.

Also there's the chance that Leonie will still want to put on this random skit about a music competition between Hannah Montanah and Vanessa Hudgens and some other singer that we've been kind of practicing this week for the party. I don't really know how to say "dude, it's your mom's party, shouldn't it maybe be a litte more relevant?". But maybe she'll get busy playing and forget about it. Haha. I was gonna write a song, but the only lyrics I could come up with were:

"Hier ist dein Geburtstag lied,
wir singen es nur für dich."
and then
"Gerne feiern wir auf dir,
so viel spaß und trink dein Bier!"

And couldn't think of anything else.
I should probably go down there, since I think the family that we hung with on vacation a lot is here and I really like them, and also everybody's spersed out a bit, so it'll be easier to blend in. Haha.

Also, bis später.

"Meine Lieder, Meine Träume"

Yeah I know it's been a while since I posted in here.
But I figured I uploaded quite a few pictures, and that was as good as like 3 blog posts, y'know?
Today Holly and I walked in the rain. The weather here reminds me of Oregon; always changing its mind. It was seriously like flash flood business an hour ago, and now its blue skies and sunny. Aber auf jeden Fall, this neighborhood is beautiful in the rain. And when the sun is about to set. I learned this within the last 24 hours.
The world isn't necessarily breathtaking at 10 in the morning on a cloudy day, as it's been when I've been out in the neighborhood lately.
But last night I took Holly on a walk around 7pm after Skyping with Sarah for an hour (which was the highlight of my life) and everything just had a warm tint to it. It was like walking through a picture from the 70s. The sun peeks through the leaves in the trees like a candle, instead of an overhead light like in midday.
Then as we got closer to the Fluß, I heard some people chatting calmly, a few were singing. I thought they were sitting on the bank like most people do when we walk by there, but then I realized they were on a boat.
This was like a boat I had never seen. Not a canoe, not a motorboat, not a rowboat. A small farm house/chicken coop/club house painted red and white just like an American farm house (is that the right word?) on top of a large wooden deck.
They reminded me of the Oregon Country Fair. It was a group of women manning the boat, pushing with oars, talking comfortably, and like I said, some were singing (a slow, peaceful river song) too. I sat down on the bank of the river while Holly took a little swim and waited for them to get into my line of sight. When they saw Holly, they stopped singing and someone said "Oh sieh das Hund! Wie süß!"
I didn't want to know what they were actually doing, I wanted to keep them in my mind as traveling gypsies on their house boat, so as soon as I got a good look at them and they got a good look at me, I said "Holly, komm!" and we went on our way.

So what else. After spending 3 weeks at the vacation house and adjusting there, it's been strange and a bit difficult to re-adjust again to our real life. This past week I've been doing mostly house work while Anette's at work; breakfast with the kids, all the dishes, walking holly, feeding holly, vacuuming, ironing.
I've also been reading quite a bit and watching a lot of The Real L Word and Always Sunny in Philadelphia on my computer. Haha.

And it's pouring rain again.

Oh! Also Anette has been teaching me how to drive stick shift in her mini cooper and the other day I drove us to the university in Kiel (about 20 minutes away) and back. I'm so proud of myself! But so we went to the international center at the school and I felt a lot better because school is something that I understand and I was able to talk to the folks at the International Center actually pretty well. They probably just have very sympathetic ears to foreigners like myself.
ANYWAY. I'll be taking a "crash course" for the month of September. It's 6 days a week, with German classes and lots of field trips to Museums and a broadcasting station and other cities in the area like Hamburg and Lümberg. I'm pumped, it'll be great to have a class situation again (which I secretly enjoy), as well as being with a bunch of other folks who don't know anyone here and feel probably just as out of place (or more so) than I do. Fun times!

Today when Anette gets back from work we're going to go visit her parents, who live about 3 hours away. I don't know how long we'll be there (I really don't understand most of what anyone says to me) but I'm excited to see somewhere else and meet some other people that are important in this family's life.
So this was long, but that's that.
Till next time, or what.

"Was machen wir?"

Frustrated, would be the word I'd use to describe myself right now.
I really just want to check out. I don't know what words to use.
I know that this family and this situation will work better when we're back in town. When everyone's doing their own thing. When I can make friends to go out with and talk to.
I'm not unhappy, just frustrated. And wish that I was staying with the other family we've been hanging out with instead of this one.

I don't know what to do, I'm finally starting to feel like a whole person, but I can't really communicate it, both because of the language, and because of personality differences.
I just feel like they keep pushing me to hang out with the Au Pair next door, which I'm not wholly opposed to, but I would rather be spending this time getting to know them better. But apparently that's not how this family really works. They're really disjointed - the adults hang out together and the kids hang out together and then they have meals together and fight.

And where does that leave me? I feel like I'm constantly bouncing back and forth between the two worlds. The only peace I get is when I ride my bike into town or to the beach at night or take the dog on a walk. Then I don't feel like I'm either being watched and scrutinized or completely ignored. Then it's okay.
And it's okay when we get together with the other family, because they're lustig and open and bring out the good in people. But I get the feeling Anette and Birte don't like them very much, which is just so frustrating because I do genuinely like them.

Wah. Rant. But whatever.
Last night I was at the beach at sunset. It was beautiful. Big, puffy, clouds. And sand castles and cities and sculptures left over from the day. It was like walking through an abandoned city. And then sitting and watching the sun set and doing some writing. Wish my friends were here though! Sure is lonely without y'all. Gloria, I can't wait to meet up with you guys soon. That's gonna make a world of difference.

Anyway, that's the news from this front. It's not all bad, though, I just needed to rant. We have good times.
Also, why is it so RAINY? Totally killin' my groove.

"Das ist nicht meine Ecke."

I am here and I am there and I am everywhere and you are here even though you're not here and I am there even though I'm not there and even though they've never been there, they're there now.

I am watching/listening to a video of Explode Into Colors play a show that I was at a year ago. I am in Germany listening to my host mother and her step daughter talk, while waiting for photos that I took two weeks ago to load onto the computer.

Shit's weird.
(Sorry mom and dad; using the parlance of our times)

I have a tan for the first time since I was a child.
Bjane and Silas are totally infatuated with my tattoo, and the other day they "gave me a tattoo" of their names on my arms. Adorable.
I don't understand how I can barely understand or speak the same language as a group of people that I've known for less than two weeks, yet I totally understand them as people and feel comfortable around them.

I really wish we could communicate better, though. It's one of those "I understand what you're saying, but I don't understand what you're saying" situations.
Can't wait to talk and just have people know what I'm saying.

Anyway. Oh! Birte went back to Flemhude (where we live normally) today to go shopping with her sister because the weather was crap, and she brought my camera with her, but also a converter so it can charge, as well as an extra memory card they have so I can finally take pictures! but can't post them until we get back because we don't have anything to connect the camera to the computer. Oh my godddd.
Oh well.

And I'm done.

"Total Wahnsinnig"

I don't know why, but I need naps. Every day. Even just for half an hour. I think it's because my brain gets worn out from trying to understand everything that's going on around me all the time.
I mean it does that normally, but it has to work super hard right now. You understand.

The first week is in the past. It's hard to believe but at the same time I feel like I've always been here. I see myself easily traveling to different places in the world after this. This is the beginning.
When Birte, Hans-Peter's oldest daughter, asked me how long I'd been learning German and I said three years, she was amazed. She said she learned French for four years before going to Canada and didn't understand anything the first week. Phew! So people aren't just being nice when they say my German is good. This has always been true, though, language has been one of my few natural talents.

The weather has been kind of iffy here, but it makes sense. We're on the northern tip of Germany. It's a bit like Portland in June, but less rain. Cloudy and in the high 60s. We've been spending a lot of time with another family (I'm not sure how they know each other), and they have a son who's 13 and a daughter who's 9. The son (Bjana, I think his name is?) is really interested in America and what's popular. He asked me if I knew who Ne-yo is and it took me like 2 minutes to remember that that is actually a pretty popular singer/musician. Haha. I'm really not a good person to ask about pop culture.

Also, bummer time, they don't really eat mexican food here. I miss Los Gorditos!! Last night I found some tortillas in the exotic section, though, and make tofu and potato breakfast burritos. nomnomnom.

Is this interesting at all? It's really been an easy transition and I think I just got lucky to have such a chill, friendly, and open-minded family. Except for the yelling at the kids. Why is this neccesary? It makes them act out more and be louder. My dad always says, "you know, I don't yell and stomp and scream" and it always sounded so dorky, but I understand now. I am not a fan of shouting at someone because they accidentally dropped a bottle.

ANYWAY. I think I'm gonna go nom on some bread and tofu scramble. Missin' y'all. If you can find a way to send a soy curl burrito from Los Gorditos to me, I will be in your debt eternally.

I hate coming up with titles.

So we're in Sankt Peter-Ording. I need to figure out a way to get photos going. I have no camera with me at the moment. I am blaming my parents for this. Because even though the memory card was in my room, we still had no chord that connects the camera to a computer. So it's pretty much useless either way.

Anyway. It's pretty beautiful here, there's a cute little shopping center that would be called "old town" anywhere else. We got rained out on the beach today but now it's sunny. bwaahh. I got hella sunburned on my face and the back of my legs.

Right now I'm feeling like something needs to be added to the mix. Feeling kind of at an impass. Some moments I think 6 months will be no where near enough, and then at other moments I don't know if I'll last through the week. Usually the nights are better, when we're all lounging around after the day. I think that's just my personality, though, I suck at active daytime things. Haha.
One of the main issues for me so far is how they discipline the kids. In my family our parents honestly never yelled at us. I can't really remember how we were disciplined...I don't know. Anyway, there's a lot of pausing to place fault on the kids for doing or saying something that isn't really bad or wrong, just kind of annoying or frustrating.

Bah I don't know. It's interesting though. And by "interesting" I mean "awkward" and "uncomfortable" but also "worthy of thought".

I'm getting really good at understand people when they talk, when the conversation switches from one topic to the next, and, more and more, the details of conversations at they happen. Sometimes, after someone has talked to me, I can't remember if they spoke in English or German, because I understood them.

Anyway. jfdkslajgldfj done.

So then.

I just finished packing for our vacation to Sankt Peter-Ording. Hans-Peter's youngest (of his older kids) was just here; I don't know if it was just so she could meet me and I could be awkward or what, but that's pretty much what happened. I really hope that wasn't the only reason she came over. I would feel really bad. She seems cool, though. We discussed the fact that we both have piercings and tattoos and she asked me if I liked Tokyo Hotel and I thought she meant a Hotel in Tokyo. (It's a band...)

Anyway. Super interesting, right? I'm already beginning to feel like this is my home, and the good definitely outweighs the bad and awkward. Leonie and Silas are very friendly and love talking and sharing, so that's helpful. It would be really difficult if I had to initiate every interaction or got shot down when I tried to.

Silas got a Nintendo DS when we were at the Einskaufzentrum (fancy word for Mall) yesterday, so we've been talking about Mario Kart and Pokemon. Leonie reads 24/7, and it's really cute when she tells us about what's happening in the book. It sounds like it's really happening. Like yesterday, out of nowhere, she pops her head out from behind her book and yells: "Es schneit!" ("It's snowing!").

Last night we saw a play in a big outdoor ampitheater. It's called Halbblut and is about...Cowboys and Indians. Hahahaha. Except for the fact that everyone around me was speaking German and the show was in German, we could've been in America. It was very strange. It was also weird to be walking through this quintissential tiny German town, and then come upon this "Indian Village" with totem poles and the like.

Another weird moment was driving home after the show. "Barbie Girl" was playing on the radio, we were driving on a highway that looked like it could be Oregon except all the signs were in German, and I was with a family that only 3 days ago I had never met, but now already knew quite intimately.

Agh I have so many stories and want to just write them all down, but that would make this way too long and I'm sure they're not very interesting. It's just really exciting to be somewhere completely new with people who are so accepting and welcoming and friendly and open-minded and funny. The language is frustrating though, because I feel we would be able to talk about so much more, but I'm limited in my German and they're limited in their English, so we're forced into silence a lot.

Of course these things come with time, and I think they're really enjoying having me here. When we can communicate, I get along well with everyone.

Also, I just realzed this morning that I've been saying "ganz" when I should be saying "sehr". Why has nobody corrected me?? Gah.

Okay. I'm done for now.

woah.

Okay. First off. This computer has letters with umaluts on the keyboard. And the y and the z are switched, for no apparent reason.

Findus the cat purrs loudly as he naps on the ikea couch.
Holly the blond retriever lays on her side under the table.
I have bug bites on my left leg and under my chin from the walk we took this morning, which was through wheat fields and forests and near sheep and a beautiful river that we'll swim in at some point relatively soon.

Yesterday we drove 20 minutes to the Nordsee. The water was warm, we layed on the sand, I had some Waldbeeren sorbet. Sehr lecker!

Already I'm thinking in German word order and english feels kind of unnatural. It's been barely 24 hours. Haha. I wonder what it will be like 6 months from now.
Yesterday I was totally dead because, although it was the middle of the day here, my body felt like it was the middle of the night.

Awww Holly just got up and stuck her head out from under the table for some love. I love animals; they speak one language: petting.

Anyway, yesterday was horribly awkward because, on top of my German not being fantastisch, I was terribly tired. So things that I would normally be able to kind of figure out, I couldn't even begin to understand. But this morning, things are better. Anette and I were able to get on kind of the same level as we took Holly on her walk. We were able to communicate better and I helped her with some English words, since her English is about as good as my German.

Deborah, Holly reminds me of Tucker, which reminds me of you, which makes me happy. It's like you're always with me. :)

What else. It's vacation here, so things are very relaxed. Anette is working a bit right now and Leonie (the daughter) and her friend Klara are outside playing. Leonie has a really strong personality, always pushing people's buttons and chat-chat-chatting. She's hilarious to watch, especially since I don't understand her half the time, so I don't feel awkward when she says something that pisses her mom off. Haha. Klara is rad, and she's been very open and friendly with me. She's staying with us at the house until Friday, which is tomorrow, and I'm kinda bummed, but I'm sure she'll come around often.

Anyway, I'll keep updating this as a way for everybody to see what's happening in one place. If there's anything specifically you want me to talk about, or if you have any questions jus' let me knoowww.
The cat looks adorable, so I think I'll go snuggle with him and read a bit before we go out on the town.

I miss you all terribly! Oh, also, I need to get a memory card for my camera, and then I'll be able to upload pictures. Sweeet.

Tschüs!