I miss being sure of things.
Things like reality, who I am, what is worthwhile,
The last time I was sure of things, I liked The X-Files and feminist/queer music I was too young to understand and chinese food from Safeway and reading books I was too young to understand and intense female friendships and school and black clothing and trying to understand my sister's life and the internet (which I usually had to sneak onto, as I was often grounded).

That's not actually true. That was the second to last time I was sure of things. The last time I was sure of things, I liked musical theatre and vegetarianism and Kimya Dawson and text messages and painting on my bedroom walls and intense female friendships and silly faces (and noises) and the smell of the Southridge theatre department.

Is this how we are happy? By finding things to be sure of?
I think right now I do not have things or people I am sure of, I have the idea that where I am is where I am and so I am sure of it.
But also I went to Berlin this weekend and hung out with people I like and started to feel like I could have some things to be sure of. Like having actual conversations in German and being completely open to people as who they are in the moment and going where you want to go and beer and wine and love and asian noodles and a cold Autumn breeze.

I'm not a huge fan of my host family but I feel like we've finally reached a spot where we are okay with it being what it is. I need time to be a 19 year old kid, and this experience has been totally...interesting and obviously life changing and a little odd. But it is positive. I am excited to go "home" and move out and start being (duh) independent.

I am starting on my second year out of high school. Time. Moves. So. Fast. It is kind of terrifying.
But I also cannot imagine living another 10 years and still being relatively young.
10 years ago I was 9.
How do we even know ourselves?

I'm not sure if this makes any sense to anyone (even myself) but I like writing it and I think that's what matters.



Someday I'll be able to account for all parts of myself all at once.

I like music.
Here's some stuff from my past (prone to nostalgia. This really isn't for anyone but me.)




(Gonna keep going.)

Today was a video kind of day.


The second video wasn't originally for my blog...I kind of have a habit of video taping myself playing guitar. Haha. But it turned into a sort of musical blog, so I thought it'd be fun to show rather than a written post.