"Ich brauche Dich...zu mir das Wasser geben"

Again, been a long time since I've written in here, sorry. It's been about a week, ne? It's life, man. Life and life only.
DEBORAAHHH.

Right now (as it, right now, downstairs underneath me) is my host mom's birthday party. I was down there for a bit, but then Hans-Peter told me to take Holly on a walk, so I did, and when I came back, they were all doing a toast in the kitchen. I have to go through the kitchen to put the leash back in the laundry room, so I stood awkwardly in the doorway while all these people I don't know (or if am lucky, have met once or twice) are raising their glasses and giving me confused sideways glances.

So that was fun.

I'm really not sure what I should do. If I join, it'll be a lot of "oooh, so you're the aupair? Where do you come from? Do you like it here?" and then they'll make some good-natured joke that I won't quite understand but will be expected to participate in so I'll laugh awkwardly and hope the conversation changes to something else.

I brought a really sexy shirt at H&M yesterday. It's button up. And sea blue. And I really want a tie or a vest to wear with it, but shit's EXPENSIVE. So I shall wait until next month, when I can continue to slowly add to my wardrobe.

Life is weird. And lame. And good.
For many reasons.

Also there's the chance that Leonie will still want to put on this random skit about a music competition between Hannah Montanah and Vanessa Hudgens and some other singer that we've been kind of practicing this week for the party. I don't really know how to say "dude, it's your mom's party, shouldn't it maybe be a litte more relevant?". But maybe she'll get busy playing and forget about it. Haha. I was gonna write a song, but the only lyrics I could come up with were:

"Hier ist dein Geburtstag lied,
wir singen es nur für dich."
and then
"Gerne feiern wir auf dir,
so viel spaß und trink dein Bier!"

And couldn't think of anything else.
I should probably go down there, since I think the family that we hung with on vacation a lot is here and I really like them, and also everybody's spersed out a bit, so it'll be easier to blend in. Haha.

Also, bis später.

"Meine Lieder, Meine Träume"

Yeah I know it's been a while since I posted in here.
But I figured I uploaded quite a few pictures, and that was as good as like 3 blog posts, y'know?
Today Holly and I walked in the rain. The weather here reminds me of Oregon; always changing its mind. It was seriously like flash flood business an hour ago, and now its blue skies and sunny. Aber auf jeden Fall, this neighborhood is beautiful in the rain. And when the sun is about to set. I learned this within the last 24 hours.
The world isn't necessarily breathtaking at 10 in the morning on a cloudy day, as it's been when I've been out in the neighborhood lately.
But last night I took Holly on a walk around 7pm after Skyping with Sarah for an hour (which was the highlight of my life) and everything just had a warm tint to it. It was like walking through a picture from the 70s. The sun peeks through the leaves in the trees like a candle, instead of an overhead light like in midday.
Then as we got closer to the Fluß, I heard some people chatting calmly, a few were singing. I thought they were sitting on the bank like most people do when we walk by there, but then I realized they were on a boat.
This was like a boat I had never seen. Not a canoe, not a motorboat, not a rowboat. A small farm house/chicken coop/club house painted red and white just like an American farm house (is that the right word?) on top of a large wooden deck.
They reminded me of the Oregon Country Fair. It was a group of women manning the boat, pushing with oars, talking comfortably, and like I said, some were singing (a slow, peaceful river song) too. I sat down on the bank of the river while Holly took a little swim and waited for them to get into my line of sight. When they saw Holly, they stopped singing and someone said "Oh sieh das Hund! Wie süß!"
I didn't want to know what they were actually doing, I wanted to keep them in my mind as traveling gypsies on their house boat, so as soon as I got a good look at them and they got a good look at me, I said "Holly, komm!" and we went on our way.

So what else. After spending 3 weeks at the vacation house and adjusting there, it's been strange and a bit difficult to re-adjust again to our real life. This past week I've been doing mostly house work while Anette's at work; breakfast with the kids, all the dishes, walking holly, feeding holly, vacuuming, ironing.
I've also been reading quite a bit and watching a lot of The Real L Word and Always Sunny in Philadelphia on my computer. Haha.

And it's pouring rain again.

Oh! Also Anette has been teaching me how to drive stick shift in her mini cooper and the other day I drove us to the university in Kiel (about 20 minutes away) and back. I'm so proud of myself! But so we went to the international center at the school and I felt a lot better because school is something that I understand and I was able to talk to the folks at the International Center actually pretty well. They probably just have very sympathetic ears to foreigners like myself.
ANYWAY. I'll be taking a "crash course" for the month of September. It's 6 days a week, with German classes and lots of field trips to Museums and a broadcasting station and other cities in the area like Hamburg and Lümberg. I'm pumped, it'll be great to have a class situation again (which I secretly enjoy), as well as being with a bunch of other folks who don't know anyone here and feel probably just as out of place (or more so) than I do. Fun times!

Today when Anette gets back from work we're going to go visit her parents, who live about 3 hours away. I don't know how long we'll be there (I really don't understand most of what anyone says to me) but I'm excited to see somewhere else and meet some other people that are important in this family's life.
So this was long, but that's that.
Till next time, or what.

"Was machen wir?"

Frustrated, would be the word I'd use to describe myself right now.
I really just want to check out. I don't know what words to use.
I know that this family and this situation will work better when we're back in town. When everyone's doing their own thing. When I can make friends to go out with and talk to.
I'm not unhappy, just frustrated. And wish that I was staying with the other family we've been hanging out with instead of this one.

I don't know what to do, I'm finally starting to feel like a whole person, but I can't really communicate it, both because of the language, and because of personality differences.
I just feel like they keep pushing me to hang out with the Au Pair next door, which I'm not wholly opposed to, but I would rather be spending this time getting to know them better. But apparently that's not how this family really works. They're really disjointed - the adults hang out together and the kids hang out together and then they have meals together and fight.

And where does that leave me? I feel like I'm constantly bouncing back and forth between the two worlds. The only peace I get is when I ride my bike into town or to the beach at night or take the dog on a walk. Then I don't feel like I'm either being watched and scrutinized or completely ignored. Then it's okay.
And it's okay when we get together with the other family, because they're lustig and open and bring out the good in people. But I get the feeling Anette and Birte don't like them very much, which is just so frustrating because I do genuinely like them.

Wah. Rant. But whatever.
Last night I was at the beach at sunset. It was beautiful. Big, puffy, clouds. And sand castles and cities and sculptures left over from the day. It was like walking through an abandoned city. And then sitting and watching the sun set and doing some writing. Wish my friends were here though! Sure is lonely without y'all. Gloria, I can't wait to meet up with you guys soon. That's gonna make a world of difference.

Anyway, that's the news from this front. It's not all bad, though, I just needed to rant. We have good times.
Also, why is it so RAINY? Totally killin' my groove.

"Das ist nicht meine Ecke."

I am here and I am there and I am everywhere and you are here even though you're not here and I am there even though I'm not there and even though they've never been there, they're there now.

I am watching/listening to a video of Explode Into Colors play a show that I was at a year ago. I am in Germany listening to my host mother and her step daughter talk, while waiting for photos that I took two weeks ago to load onto the computer.

Shit's weird.
(Sorry mom and dad; using the parlance of our times)

I have a tan for the first time since I was a child.
Bjane and Silas are totally infatuated with my tattoo, and the other day they "gave me a tattoo" of their names on my arms. Adorable.
I don't understand how I can barely understand or speak the same language as a group of people that I've known for less than two weeks, yet I totally understand them as people and feel comfortable around them.

I really wish we could communicate better, though. It's one of those "I understand what you're saying, but I don't understand what you're saying" situations.
Can't wait to talk and just have people know what I'm saying.

Anyway. Oh! Birte went back to Flemhude (where we live normally) today to go shopping with her sister because the weather was crap, and she brought my camera with her, but also a converter so it can charge, as well as an extra memory card they have so I can finally take pictures! but can't post them until we get back because we don't have anything to connect the camera to the computer. Oh my godddd.
Oh well.

And I'm done.