"Präpositionen"

Just got back from having dinner with some friends from my German course. The Italians (Pietro and Giuliana) decided to cook dinner for whoever wanted to come tonight, so we met in one of the student Wohnung kitchens and they cooked yummy pasta (actual Italian food is very similar to what we eat in America - not really Olive Garden, but the smaller, more tomato-sauce focused restaurants). Behshad, from Iran, brought his guitar along and played some sexy Spanish music, and then great Iranian guitar stuff. I love when people you don't expect have these hidden talents.
I got up the courage to play a song I wrote a while back called "Dreams About People You Didn't Think You Cared About Anymore". It was the first time I'd played something I wrote for a large group of people, and it was exhilarating. It reminded me how satisfying that song is, and how much it is good and right and what I need it to be. So often I write songs and they're okay, but they're not what I'm trying to say. This song says exactly what I'm trying to say. And I could tell they got it. I didn't look at any of them the whole time I was playing it, and when I was done, I looked up, and they were all looking at me - not expectantly, not asking anything or trying to make me laugh - they were looking at me like they got me in that moment. And that's all I needed. That's all I ever need. Is for people to get it, whatever it is.
That there's more. That there's parts of us we don't allow ourselves access to enough. That there's such a base level of beauty in all of us, that all we need to do is express to each other our own beauty.
Hahaha oh man anyway. Whatever "beauty" is. It's all relative. Just that I like to feel nice and you like to feel nice and everything is so big and everything is so small and it's okay. At the end of everything, (even though there is undoubtedly no end to anything) it's all okay. Because how can it not be?
I'm not sure if this song actually says that. But it's says something honest and that's what's important.
I think this song says what I was talking about:



When I was 15 or 16, Gloria showed her to me, and I said I didn't like her because her music was like floating through space and time. And now, after listening to her again for the first time in years, I said the exact same thing, but describing why I love her.

Should I keep writing? If you give me enough time and the feeling that my thoughts are being appreciated in any way, I'll keep writing. Forever and ever and ever.

I'm 19. I can't comprehend all the different meanings that has. So I don't think about it.
Every day I'm here, the more at home and the more distant I feel. Which each passing moment, I create memories and grow roots here. And at the same time, I learn more and more that this is not Portland. That I am not home.
But I am home too.
I love that quote, "Wherever you go, there you are."
Which can be loosely translated to: "Don't worry, be happy."

I talked to my host mom today. I was feeling stressed like I haven't been doing enough as an Aupair and I don't know exactly what they want from me and she explained everything much more clearly and now I realize that I've been doing it right the whole time, I've just been stressing because that's the only thing I know how to do.
And now I'm feeling stressed because I'm talking about stress.

ANYWAY. This is far too long. And thus I send it into the ethos for strangers and people I used to know and people I know and people I may meet in the future to read.
Good night, it is 00:08 on Dienstag, 14. September 2010.
Und jetzt muss ich schlafen.

Today I switched from third class to second class. That is not a figurative sentence or about plane tickets. When I took the prufüng (what is the word in English??) for our classes, I was placed into class 3, the highest level class. It was hard.
So today I decided to go into class 2 and it was almost too easy but its so helpful at reinforcing things I already know but easily forget. So I'll stay there.
Also I like the people in 2nd class more.

We all just kind of separate off during breaks and after class into smaller groups and do whatever - it feels like every day I get to know someone else a little bit better. Today after class (it was over at 3pm; usually its over at 12.30. Don't ask me why it was longer today. I don't know) Marie - the main group social activity instigator - said "Leute! What are we doing today?". And we decided to get together at 6pm in the zentrum of the student apartments and play drinking games and someone would bring a guitar and we could make music times.
That sounded really fun to me. But today was Leonie's birthday and I didn't know when/if they were doing anything tonight and if I should be there and blah blah blah it's frustrating having a host family.

Regardless, I knew I had some time to kill, so we separated off into random groups as usual (there's a lot of "what are you doing?" "I dunno...What are you doing?" "I dunno, I guess I was gonna go to my room, but if you wanna do something..." "Yeah...Should we do something?") and Ville, a nice but quiet guy from Norway, and I ended up walking together. We wandered over to his dorm, because I hadn't been to any of them before, and he talked to his law student German roommate awkwardly about where he could find a place that sold cheap prepaid cell phones. I stood in the kitchen, not sure of what I should do, but also okay with not doing anything.
Then we headed in the direction of the city center. The university is kind of on the edge of town - but just a few blocks away from some really nice streets. We talked awkwardly but not painfully awkwardly about why we're here and what we think we want to do later in our lives. He's a jazz musician (saxophone) and composer and is almost done with his Bachelors. I'm a wandering, slightly confused person, just picking things up as I go. I also play guitar a lot.

I thought he had a place in mind, so I asked "So, do you know where we're going?" and he said "Well...I know where we are." And I was like "Oh." We ended up passing a coffee shop that I spent an afternoon in last week or the week before and I said "Oh! I love that place. It's really nice." And he said "Yeah? Should we get coffee?" And I was like "Oh. Yeah. Sure."
And then we sat outside and got coffee and I'm not sure what the point of this story is.

But whatever I ended up not going to hang out because my life sucks and fjdksaljgf. I hate that the only place to go is Kiel (there is NOTHING but houses and farms and one grocery store in a 5 mile radius from our house), and I have to ride Anette's bike for 25 minutes to get to the train stop which takes me 15 minutes later to the big main train station in Kiel.
It's just such a pain. I feel like I'm separated between my school life and my "home" life. All the kids at school live in the same general area and are having a total immersion experience and I'm only getting half of it. And it's not even like I'm really doing anything here in Flemhude. We all wake up in the morning, I take Holly on a walk, we eat breakfast and I wait for everyone else to be ready to go because I have nothing to do to get ready. I try to talk to the kids, and they say something and I don't understand it and I feel like poopy pants because I can't really interact with them. So I just say "Guten Morgen!" und "Gibts was besonderes heute?" und "Was ist das, denn?" when they're playing with something. And I just feel totally fake.
And then Anette and I drive to the university, which takes about 15-20 minutes, and ocassionally find something to say to each other and then she drops me off and we say "Tschüs!" like we've been chatting the whole time. And then I go to class and have a good time and etc etc that's where my life feels right now, and usually do something afterwards with kids from the class, and then feel like I should call Anette and see what's up, even though she hasn't contacted me yet, and she usually don't seem to mind, whatever I want to do.

I dunno, I know they're giving me freedom or whatever, but it just feels like they don't care.
Blech. Normally I would spout all this out to my mom or Gloria but neither are available at the moment, so you, blog reader (of which there is probably only my mom and Gloria) get this jumbled mess of words and thoughts.
I'm really tired. Today was eigentlich gut.
Haha. We call this mixture of German and English that all us students speak "Denglisch" (Deutsch + Englisch).
Weißt du was, let's end this on a good note:

"Ich kann wirklich kein Deutsch sprechen."

I feel more myself now than I have since I was a wee young lad. It's refreshing but also terrifying because I have to take responsibility for myself. The decisions I make are all for myself and my life. Other people can help me out, but in the end, all responsibilty and decisions rely on me.

My German course has started and so far I'm having a good, interesting time. We are all foreigners and without friends here, so it's kind of like a summer camp in the way that everyone is getting to know each other well and yeah. Not like a regular class at a university or what, where everyone already has their own life. Haha. That doesn't sound right. But you know what I mean.
I'm in the highest level class (oohhh yeaahh), and it's actually harder than I thought it would be - I'm just now realizing how sympathetic my other german teachers were with their speaking. Not with my current teacher. He just speaks richtig Deutsch to us. At first I felt completely over my head, but then I reminded myself that this is not philosophy or politics oder was, it's not an idea I have to understand - it's just a language that I already understand quite well. It is only a language course. The overall meaning of it all is: "this is how we say these things. There are lots of different ways to say things, and you have to memorize and learn them."

So it's nice to have something that is really just like learning and instrument or riding a bike or whatever: just practice. Learn the rules in class, and then practice.

I am definitely missing. Missing people and things. I've already been here about 6 weeks. I miss, but I feel really good here. I am well on my way to conquering the German language. Haha. It's really just...Great to be in a city other than Portland. I think I got really wrapped up in the whole Portland game without even playing it - I just liked the idea of it. I needed to leave to grow and other mushy things about life and experiences. But what I mean is that I am terrified but excited about life and here and everything. I finally feel a driving force behind me - a reason (not sure what that reason is, but it's there) to get up in the morning and do things. To talk to people and make connections and learn things and go new places.

On the plane ride over here, a part of The Lord of The Rings: The Fellowship of The Ring popped into my head. When Sam and Frodo are leaving The Shire to meet up with Gandalf in...Where are they going? Anyway, when they start their journey,
Sam stops and says: "This is it."
Frodo: "What?"
Sam: "If I take one more step, this is the furthest away from home I'll have ever been."

And that's kind of how I've been going. I just keep taking steps.
The further away from home I get, the more I appreciate it for what it is.

Anyway. I am sleepy (it's almost mitternacht) and I have to get up early tomorrow because we're going on a class trip to Lübeck! Lübeck ist eine sehr alte Stadt - like there's buildings still standing from the Middle Ages. A lot of cities in Germany were mostly destroyed in WWII, so buildings that were standing for centuries have now been gone in the last 70 years or so. But in some cities, like Lübeck, they're mostly intact and everyone says it's very beautiful and "perfect for an American". Hahahaha. So I'm excited.

Anyway. guten nacht, whoever reads this.

"Ich brauche Dich...zu mir das Wasser geben"

Again, been a long time since I've written in here, sorry. It's been about a week, ne? It's life, man. Life and life only.
DEBORAAHHH.

Right now (as it, right now, downstairs underneath me) is my host mom's birthday party. I was down there for a bit, but then Hans-Peter told me to take Holly on a walk, so I did, and when I came back, they were all doing a toast in the kitchen. I have to go through the kitchen to put the leash back in the laundry room, so I stood awkwardly in the doorway while all these people I don't know (or if am lucky, have met once or twice) are raising their glasses and giving me confused sideways glances.

So that was fun.

I'm really not sure what I should do. If I join, it'll be a lot of "oooh, so you're the aupair? Where do you come from? Do you like it here?" and then they'll make some good-natured joke that I won't quite understand but will be expected to participate in so I'll laugh awkwardly and hope the conversation changes to something else.

I brought a really sexy shirt at H&M yesterday. It's button up. And sea blue. And I really want a tie or a vest to wear with it, but shit's EXPENSIVE. So I shall wait until next month, when I can continue to slowly add to my wardrobe.

Life is weird. And lame. And good.
For many reasons.

Also there's the chance that Leonie will still want to put on this random skit about a music competition between Hannah Montanah and Vanessa Hudgens and some other singer that we've been kind of practicing this week for the party. I don't really know how to say "dude, it's your mom's party, shouldn't it maybe be a litte more relevant?". But maybe she'll get busy playing and forget about it. Haha. I was gonna write a song, but the only lyrics I could come up with were:

"Hier ist dein Geburtstag lied,
wir singen es nur für dich."
and then
"Gerne feiern wir auf dir,
so viel spaß und trink dein Bier!"

And couldn't think of anything else.
I should probably go down there, since I think the family that we hung with on vacation a lot is here and I really like them, and also everybody's spersed out a bit, so it'll be easier to blend in. Haha.

Also, bis später.

"Meine Lieder, Meine Träume"

Yeah I know it's been a while since I posted in here.
But I figured I uploaded quite a few pictures, and that was as good as like 3 blog posts, y'know?
Today Holly and I walked in the rain. The weather here reminds me of Oregon; always changing its mind. It was seriously like flash flood business an hour ago, and now its blue skies and sunny. Aber auf jeden Fall, this neighborhood is beautiful in the rain. And when the sun is about to set. I learned this within the last 24 hours.
The world isn't necessarily breathtaking at 10 in the morning on a cloudy day, as it's been when I've been out in the neighborhood lately.
But last night I took Holly on a walk around 7pm after Skyping with Sarah for an hour (which was the highlight of my life) and everything just had a warm tint to it. It was like walking through a picture from the 70s. The sun peeks through the leaves in the trees like a candle, instead of an overhead light like in midday.
Then as we got closer to the Fluß, I heard some people chatting calmly, a few were singing. I thought they were sitting on the bank like most people do when we walk by there, but then I realized they were on a boat.
This was like a boat I had never seen. Not a canoe, not a motorboat, not a rowboat. A small farm house/chicken coop/club house painted red and white just like an American farm house (is that the right word?) on top of a large wooden deck.
They reminded me of the Oregon Country Fair. It was a group of women manning the boat, pushing with oars, talking comfortably, and like I said, some were singing (a slow, peaceful river song) too. I sat down on the bank of the river while Holly took a little swim and waited for them to get into my line of sight. When they saw Holly, they stopped singing and someone said "Oh sieh das Hund! Wie süß!"
I didn't want to know what they were actually doing, I wanted to keep them in my mind as traveling gypsies on their house boat, so as soon as I got a good look at them and they got a good look at me, I said "Holly, komm!" and we went on our way.

So what else. After spending 3 weeks at the vacation house and adjusting there, it's been strange and a bit difficult to re-adjust again to our real life. This past week I've been doing mostly house work while Anette's at work; breakfast with the kids, all the dishes, walking holly, feeding holly, vacuuming, ironing.
I've also been reading quite a bit and watching a lot of The Real L Word and Always Sunny in Philadelphia on my computer. Haha.

And it's pouring rain again.

Oh! Also Anette has been teaching me how to drive stick shift in her mini cooper and the other day I drove us to the university in Kiel (about 20 minutes away) and back. I'm so proud of myself! But so we went to the international center at the school and I felt a lot better because school is something that I understand and I was able to talk to the folks at the International Center actually pretty well. They probably just have very sympathetic ears to foreigners like myself.
ANYWAY. I'll be taking a "crash course" for the month of September. It's 6 days a week, with German classes and lots of field trips to Museums and a broadcasting station and other cities in the area like Hamburg and Lümberg. I'm pumped, it'll be great to have a class situation again (which I secretly enjoy), as well as being with a bunch of other folks who don't know anyone here and feel probably just as out of place (or more so) than I do. Fun times!

Today when Anette gets back from work we're going to go visit her parents, who live about 3 hours away. I don't know how long we'll be there (I really don't understand most of what anyone says to me) but I'm excited to see somewhere else and meet some other people that are important in this family's life.
So this was long, but that's that.
Till next time, or what.

"Was machen wir?"

Frustrated, would be the word I'd use to describe myself right now.
I really just want to check out. I don't know what words to use.
I know that this family and this situation will work better when we're back in town. When everyone's doing their own thing. When I can make friends to go out with and talk to.
I'm not unhappy, just frustrated. And wish that I was staying with the other family we've been hanging out with instead of this one.

I don't know what to do, I'm finally starting to feel like a whole person, but I can't really communicate it, both because of the language, and because of personality differences.
I just feel like they keep pushing me to hang out with the Au Pair next door, which I'm not wholly opposed to, but I would rather be spending this time getting to know them better. But apparently that's not how this family really works. They're really disjointed - the adults hang out together and the kids hang out together and then they have meals together and fight.

And where does that leave me? I feel like I'm constantly bouncing back and forth between the two worlds. The only peace I get is when I ride my bike into town or to the beach at night or take the dog on a walk. Then I don't feel like I'm either being watched and scrutinized or completely ignored. Then it's okay.
And it's okay when we get together with the other family, because they're lustig and open and bring out the good in people. But I get the feeling Anette and Birte don't like them very much, which is just so frustrating because I do genuinely like them.

Wah. Rant. But whatever.
Last night I was at the beach at sunset. It was beautiful. Big, puffy, clouds. And sand castles and cities and sculptures left over from the day. It was like walking through an abandoned city. And then sitting and watching the sun set and doing some writing. Wish my friends were here though! Sure is lonely without y'all. Gloria, I can't wait to meet up with you guys soon. That's gonna make a world of difference.

Anyway, that's the news from this front. It's not all bad, though, I just needed to rant. We have good times.
Also, why is it so RAINY? Totally killin' my groove.

"Das ist nicht meine Ecke."

I am here and I am there and I am everywhere and you are here even though you're not here and I am there even though I'm not there and even though they've never been there, they're there now.

I am watching/listening to a video of Explode Into Colors play a show that I was at a year ago. I am in Germany listening to my host mother and her step daughter talk, while waiting for photos that I took two weeks ago to load onto the computer.

Shit's weird.
(Sorry mom and dad; using the parlance of our times)

I have a tan for the first time since I was a child.
Bjane and Silas are totally infatuated with my tattoo, and the other day they "gave me a tattoo" of their names on my arms. Adorable.
I don't understand how I can barely understand or speak the same language as a group of people that I've known for less than two weeks, yet I totally understand them as people and feel comfortable around them.

I really wish we could communicate better, though. It's one of those "I understand what you're saying, but I don't understand what you're saying" situations.
Can't wait to talk and just have people know what I'm saying.

Anyway. Oh! Birte went back to Flemhude (where we live normally) today to go shopping with her sister because the weather was crap, and she brought my camera with her, but also a converter so it can charge, as well as an extra memory card they have so I can finally take pictures! but can't post them until we get back because we don't have anything to connect the camera to the computer. Oh my godddd.
Oh well.

And I'm done.