"Präpositionen"

Just got back from having dinner with some friends from my German course. The Italians (Pietro and Giuliana) decided to cook dinner for whoever wanted to come tonight, so we met in one of the student Wohnung kitchens and they cooked yummy pasta (actual Italian food is very similar to what we eat in America - not really Olive Garden, but the smaller, more tomato-sauce focused restaurants). Behshad, from Iran, brought his guitar along and played some sexy Spanish music, and then great Iranian guitar stuff. I love when people you don't expect have these hidden talents.
I got up the courage to play a song I wrote a while back called "Dreams About People You Didn't Think You Cared About Anymore". It was the first time I'd played something I wrote for a large group of people, and it was exhilarating. It reminded me how satisfying that song is, and how much it is good and right and what I need it to be. So often I write songs and they're okay, but they're not what I'm trying to say. This song says exactly what I'm trying to say. And I could tell they got it. I didn't look at any of them the whole time I was playing it, and when I was done, I looked up, and they were all looking at me - not expectantly, not asking anything or trying to make me laugh - they were looking at me like they got me in that moment. And that's all I needed. That's all I ever need. Is for people to get it, whatever it is.
That there's more. That there's parts of us we don't allow ourselves access to enough. That there's such a base level of beauty in all of us, that all we need to do is express to each other our own beauty.
Hahaha oh man anyway. Whatever "beauty" is. It's all relative. Just that I like to feel nice and you like to feel nice and everything is so big and everything is so small and it's okay. At the end of everything, (even though there is undoubtedly no end to anything) it's all okay. Because how can it not be?
I'm not sure if this song actually says that. But it's says something honest and that's what's important.
I think this song says what I was talking about:



When I was 15 or 16, Gloria showed her to me, and I said I didn't like her because her music was like floating through space and time. And now, after listening to her again for the first time in years, I said the exact same thing, but describing why I love her.

Should I keep writing? If you give me enough time and the feeling that my thoughts are being appreciated in any way, I'll keep writing. Forever and ever and ever.

I'm 19. I can't comprehend all the different meanings that has. So I don't think about it.
Every day I'm here, the more at home and the more distant I feel. Which each passing moment, I create memories and grow roots here. And at the same time, I learn more and more that this is not Portland. That I am not home.
But I am home too.
I love that quote, "Wherever you go, there you are."
Which can be loosely translated to: "Don't worry, be happy."

I talked to my host mom today. I was feeling stressed like I haven't been doing enough as an Aupair and I don't know exactly what they want from me and she explained everything much more clearly and now I realize that I've been doing it right the whole time, I've just been stressing because that's the only thing I know how to do.
And now I'm feeling stressed because I'm talking about stress.

ANYWAY. This is far too long. And thus I send it into the ethos for strangers and people I used to know and people I know and people I may meet in the future to read.
Good night, it is 00:08 on Dienstag, 14. September 2010.
Und jetzt muss ich schlafen.